View Topic
  Message Boards : Humour : View Topic : 74 Posts, Page 1 of 5
  HomeNewNoticesHot TopicsPollsStats Login / Register
 
December Jokes For The Year Two Thousand And Eight.
 
# 1 : Monday 1-12-2008 @ 02:46
 
Sakura
Shinigami
21309 POSTS SINCE 2007
   
30 YO GAY MALE FROM DUBLIN
 
It's officially December now so here goes

These are the top 10 things to say when caught sleeping at your desk...
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

NUMBER ONE best thing to do if you get caught sleeping at your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "..., Amen."

Locked TopicEmail
 
 Recent Forum Topics ... Why not join in?
19:31 : Civil Service Clerical Officer Jobs
19:30 : Random Thoughts 19
19:24 : Word Assocation - Ole Ole Ole Ole
19:13 : Not Another F*cking Firestarter Competition ?!?!?
16:57 : Juicing
16:29 : Christmas 2014
15:10 : "Best Interest Of The Child?"
14:33 : Would You Like To Reach 100?
 
# 2 : Monday 1-12-2008 @ 04:00
 
The_Dude
Junglist Soldier
2549 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
25 YO STRAIGHT MALE FROM WICKLOW
 
iv seen a few lads get the rest of the day off with number 10. comeback 20minslate frm lunch and tell the boss you were at the blood clinic. number 1 is the bes hah might try it one day, not that id have a job where id be able to fall asleep

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 3 : Monday 1-12-2008 @ 13:27
 
Hex
Magna Mater
6896 POSTS SINCE 2007
    
44 YO STRAIGHT FEMALE FROM WICKLOW
 
Footballers are soooo educated

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. '
David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league.'
Mark Viduka

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the
best manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona .'
Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll
win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .'
Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu

‘ Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right.'
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush

‘ Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today.'
Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock.'
Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
what religion yet.'
David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European.'
Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry


Locked TopicEmailWebsite
 
# 4 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 12:31
 
T.E.B
Pedantic Nerd
1882 POSTS SINCE 2006
    
41 YO GAY FEMALE
 
S A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE
OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE
OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED
THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZI NG NOISE
COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND
OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND
STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE C RAZY. THE
WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE F*@!* ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WA TCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'


Locked TopicEmail
 
# 5 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 12:36
 
Sashamatta
Helios
18075 POSTS SINCE 2004
 
36 YO STRAIGHT MALE
 
Very good!

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 6 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 12:42
 
The_Dude
Junglist Soldier
2549 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
25 YO STRAIGHT MALE FROM WICKLOW
 
more shite jokes...


an englishman is chatting away in his local "iv just been banned for life from my local DIY store." "how did you manage that?" askd the barman. "well, a bloke in overalls came up to me and asked if i wanted decking so i thought id get the first punch in."

what goes "woof woof boom!"? a terrierist

did you hear the story about the peacock? its a beautiful tale.

what do ducks smoke?

quack



Edited By The_Dude, 02 December 2008, 12:43

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 7 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 12:54
 
The_Dude
Junglist Soldier
2549 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
25 YO STRAIGHT MALE FROM WICKLOW
 
im not sure where else to put this so here it is.

im just reading an old zoo magaine and theres a bit about what silly things women have come out with to their boyfriends and all. one of them is, the lad and hes wife were driving through the country and he saw a sign that said "Buck Flair" and he chuckled to himself. the woman asked him wat was so funny and he said "swap the F and the B around and wat do yo get?" after a few minutes she siad "Butt Fuck"


a lad was in a souvenier shop with his sister and she pointed out all the typical paintings of a white jesus and said "you know jesus wasnt white, he was from the midlands."

a cuple were in he airport and woman ask her man, "once they`re made, how do they deliver the planes to the airport?"

Edited By The_Dude, 02 December 2008, 12:55

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 8 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 12:58
 
Sashamatta
Helios
18075 POSTS SINCE 2004
 
36 YO STRAIGHT MALE
 
What is it with Indian call centres these days? You should have heard the abuse I got when I enquired whether I could reserve a non-smoking hotel room for my trip to Mumbai...
-----
I look forward to Christmas every year, it's the only time I get a real treat. This year I have got hold of some Rohypnol.

The Turkey won't be the only bird getting a good stuffing.
-----
The high energy prices seem to be affecting more old people as this cold weather continues. I noticed a few of the old folk round my way have started to leave their newspapers lying outside their front door to stop the draught getting in.
-----
My wife told me that she'd take me to the cleaners in our divorce. "Why?" I asked, "cleaning is your job."
-----
A vicar arrives at a hotel. The woman on reception says "ere is your key, the room has sky tv". The vicar says"I hope the porns disabled on it" The receptionist says "no its just normal porn you sick bastard"
-----
I told my girlfriend that sex might be more exciting if she got a Brazilian.

Now she's fucking a guy called José.
-----
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard
-----

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 9 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 13:08
 
The_Dude
Junglist Soldier
2549 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
25 YO STRAIGHT MALE FROM WICKLOW
 
Sashamatta said :

-----
My wife told me that she'd take me to the cleaners in our divorce. "Why?" I asked, "cleaning is your job."
-----


AAAAAAHAHAAHHA


sashmatta said :
A vicar arrives at a hotel. The woman on reception says "ere is your key, the room has sky tv". The vicar says"I hope the porns disabled on it" The receptionist says "no its just normal porn you sick bastard"
-----
What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard
-----


Locked TopicEmail
 
# 10 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 17:40
 
riotousned
amphictyonis
28588 POSTS SINCE 2006
    
37 YO STRAIGHT FEMALE FROM DUBLIN
 
every day at work a bloke goes over to a female colleague,inhales deeply,tells her her hair smells nice and then goes back to his desk.
after a week she cant stand it any longer and complains furiously to her boss that its sexual harassment.
the boss is confused by her outrage and asks,whats sexually threatening about a colleague telling you that your hair smells nice??
the woman says,because its keith,the dwarf!

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 11 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 19:55
 
Focal Leat
Crazy Poster
114 POSTS SINCE 2004
 
34 YO MALE FROM DUBLIN
 
riotousned said :
every day at work a bloke goes over to a female colleague,inhales deeply,tells her her hair smells nice and then goes back to his desk.
after a week she cant stand it any longer and complains furiously to her boss that its sexual harassment.
the boss is confused by her outrage and asks,whats sexually threatening about a colleague telling you that your hair smells nice??
the woman says,because its keith,the dwarf!


That's a classic! 3 of us here cracked up to that one!!!

My boyf has trouble remembering punchlines to jokes so I told him one that would be easy to remember (but not that funny) - It goes 'Two tomatoes crossing the road, one says to the other - 'you go ahead and I'll ketchup...'

I overhear him a few days later at a party telling the joke 'Two tomatoes crossing the road, one says to the other - 'you go ahead and I'll follow ya....'

bless him!

Locked TopicEmailWebsite
 
# 12 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 20:17
 
riotousned
amphictyonis
28588 POSTS SINCE 2006
    
37 YO STRAIGHT FEMALE FROM DUBLIN
 
thats like my ma one time FL.she asked,whats long and flowery and hangs from a dick?? she said,daniel o donnell,pissed herself laughing and walked off.came back a few minutes later and said,oh,i meant daniel o donnells tie.

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 13 : Tuesday 2-12-2008 @ 20:27
 
MaxPower
Godlike!
2538 POSTS SINCE 2008
    
31 YO GAY MALE FROM DUBLIN
 
A vicar arrives at a hotel. The woman on reception says "ere is your key, the room has sky tv". The vicar says"I hope the porns disabled on it" The receptionist says "no its just normal porn you sick bastard"


LOVE it!


Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."


Edited By Max_power_08, 02 December 2008, 20:28

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 14 : Friday 5-12-2008 @ 12:53
 
T.E.B
Pedantic Nerd
1882 POSTS SINCE 2006
    
41 YO GAY FEMALE
 
A man in Cavan calls his son in London a couple of days before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".



"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Cavan immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,

"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."

Locked TopicEmail
 
# 15 : Friday 5-12-2008 @ 13:11
 
T.E.B
Pedantic Nerd
1882 POSTS SINCE 2006
    
41 YO GAY FEMALE
 
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree

Locked TopicEmail
 
Prev 12345Next