Speculation Fine Gael Recruit Susan Boyle for Local ElectionsPrawo Jazdy
In a wholly unexpected move, Fine Gael has built upon its ‘celebrity candidate’ strategy by recruiting Britain’s Got Talent singing sensation Susan Boyle to run in the local elections. Boyle joins the likes of former RTÉ economics correspondent George Lee and former GAA president Sean Kelly, both of whom are running for the party in various elections across the country. It is rumoured that the party will capitalize on her name by running her in the race to represent Boyle, Co Roscommon.
Speaking to the assembled press corps, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny said yesterday that Ms. Boyle “is a lovely woman, with a really uplifting voice. The kind of voice that can lift us above ourselves in times such as these. A voice that is a perfect parallel to me as a leader. Now some of you have pointed out that Ms. Boyle is not what you would call a ‘normal’ individual. But we have plans for that. We know that you would find it very hard to vote for a 48 year-old virgin.”
Pausing to grab her cheek like an over eager granny and wink conspiratorially to the gentlemen of the press, Kenny continued “but we have plans for that, don’t we Susan? Yes we do…”
Ms. Boyle, who has learning difficulties, smiled nervously and looked confused.
Opposition parties were critical of the strategy, with Fianna Fail finance minister Brian Lenihan describing it as a “Mickey Mouse attempt to con the electorate into voting for a name they know as opposed to politics they don’t understand. It’s totally unfair on both the voters and the honest politicians of this state”. The irony of this statement was not lost on The Spanner, as we had learned that Mickey Mouse had earlier turned down an invitation to square up against his old foe George Lee as the Fianna Fail candidate for Dublin South.
Labour deputy leader Joan Burton told The Spanner that “once again we see that the two ‘main’ political parties are following in our wake. We have been running novelty candidates for years, it’s just that nobody’s noticed. Come on, Pat ‘Rabbit’? Who has a second name like that? Ho Chi Quinn? Proinsias ‘The Human Beatbox’ De Rossa? Obviously our humor is just too subtle for the electorate to get….unappreciative bastards…”
Recent election stunts have plumbed the depths of political chicanery, with two examples in particular standing out.
Although some have questioned the wisdom of running such a physically repulsive specimen as Susan Boyle, when this was suggested to the Fine Gael leadership they sniggered and looked at each other before quipping “yeah it’s obviously really important. The Chippendales have been begging Cowen to join them for years. And Harney’s feature in Nuts is in the works…”
“More like bizarre”
Classic.
