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Is Being Too Nice A Bad Thing, If It's Genuine?
 
# 1 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 10:22
 
Intrepid
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23071 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
105 YO FEMALE FROM PALMYRA ATOLL
 
Lots of people moan that they are too nice, that it seems to put people off.

What are your thoughts on this?

Is it boring if someone is too nice?

Why is it that the baddies seem far more attractive?

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# 2 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 10:30
 
Erytheis
Hera
14754 POSTS SINCE 2003
 
106 YO GAY FEMALE FROM AGIOS NIKOLAOS
 
I've never had this problem, no one has ever told me that I'm too nice. But I do know quite a few people that are, two of my closest friends and my aunt are, and they get taken advantage of all the time. I'd tell them to stop being so nice, but they just can't do it and they get upset when they realise that people are doing that. It is automatically assumed by others that these three will drop what their doing and help out, one day I hope they'll tell them to cunt off.

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# 3 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 10:47
 
skyline
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45 YO FEMALE FROM DUBLIN
 
Too nice, is out of balance. If we go to the extremme of anything, then we have to ask why. What is too nice? Are we going into 'people pleasing' type behaviour?... It's nice to be pleasant, or helpful.... but for one has to know why. Saying no is being nice too, although often not considered so......... but it is being nice to yourself and thats where all of our positive behaviourisms should be directed first. (imo)

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# 4 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 11:37
 
Imelda M.....
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There is nothing wrong in being nice to people, but very often others take advantage of this.
Nice to me means being pleasant and mannerly, treating others with respect ect..

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# 5 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 11:51
 
Intrepid
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23071 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
105 YO FEMALE FROM PALMYRA ATOLL
 
This begs the question:

Where is the line between being nice and being TOO nice?

Let's look at the three points made by Ery, Sky and Blur, shall we.

People who are by nature nice get taken advantage of. Other people know this and start to expect certain things from the people labelled the 'nice' ones.
When the 'nice' ones tell those taking advantage to wise up, or to 'cunt off' as Ery puts it, I've noticed that they get a lot of flak for standing up for themselves for once. More so than others who are known for being assertive.

A little example here... "Johnny" gave out to "Peter".

If Johnny is seen as the 'nice guy', his assertive stance that once is remembered 20 years down the line.

If Johnny is seen as an assertive guy, his assertive stance that time is forgotten a week later.

So people CAN get trapped by their own niceness.

Sky points out the fact that being too nice is being out of balance. Yes, that's very true. However, what if a person is by nature a nice person and does NOT engage in people pleasing behaviour? (Such as having no problems being cruel to be kind.) They may be nice to themselves and to other people, but still is seen as a bore?

Blur has the same view as I do. Being mannerly, respectful and considerate of the other person is what is nice.

Though I have some friends who state for the record that they are NOT NICE. They would be insulted if someone called them 'nice'.

This was one of the reasons behind this thread.

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# 6 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 11:54
 
skyline
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45 YO FEMALE FROM DUBLIN
 
Blur said :
There is nothing wrong in being nice to people, but very often others take advantage of this.
Nice to me means being pleasant and mannerly, treating others with respect ect..



Yes, but that is a balanced 'nice'... I think being too nice involves giving more of yourself because you feel you have to/should/need to, with less regard for yourself and how it might be impacting you...... some would call this unselfish, I think it is often selfless, which is different and damaging to oneself. (imo)

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# 7 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 11:56
 
Intrepid
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105 YO FEMALE FROM PALMYRA ATOLL
 
That's a completely new perspective, and one that intrigues me.

Unselfish and Selfless...

So by being selfless, are you suggesting that this is negating the self for the other person?

Could you elaborate?

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# 8 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:03
 
skyline
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Yes, thats exactly what I mean. Unselfishness is based more on sharing of the self, being selfless is based more on giving of the self (way less control here, and less regard for the self) (imo)

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# 9 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:13
 
Intrepid
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23071 POSTS SINCE 2008
  
105 YO FEMALE FROM PALMYRA ATOLL
 
That's a very dangerous thing to do in the long term, if you keep on giving of yourself to others. You would only end up very bitter.

You have to be nice to yourself FIRST. (In a balanced way, not ending up being self-indulgent.)

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# 10 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:14
 
Erytheis
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106 YO GAY FEMALE FROM AGIOS NIKOLAOS
 
There is no such thing as unselfishness, even those who say that they do things unselfishly are really benefiting themselves by the good feeling they get by doing the good deed.

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# 11 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:14
 
Imelda M.....
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skyline said :



Yes, but that is a balanced 'nice'... I think being too nice involves giving more of yourself because you feel you have to/should/need to, with less regard for yourself and how it might be impacting you...... some would call this unselfish, I think it is often selfless, which is different and damaging to oneself. (imo)



It depends I guess on your thoughts on exactly what being nice means..
I could open a door for someone, pick them up if they fall, help someone cross a street, that to me is being nice...

When it extends to having to constantly help or make others feel good, then either they are too needy or you are, as in the martyr syndrome..


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# 12 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:16
 
Intrepid
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105 YO FEMALE FROM PALMYRA ATOLL
 
That is extremely off-putting, Blur, the victim/the martyr stance. There is absolutely no need for that.

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# 13 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:23
 
Imelda M.....
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Intrepid said :
That is extremely off-putting, Blur, the victim/the martyr stance. There is absolutely no need for that.


Intrepid can you explain how those comments I made are off-puuting?
And that I should have no need to make them?

There are many people who will spend their time helping family, friends ect... then pat themselves on the back for doing so, deep down a lot of these people are needy themselves, it makes them feel good to be constantly helping others, they never tire of talking about their good deeds ect.. are you seriously suggesting this type of personality does not exist?????

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# 14 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:26
 
Erytheis
Hera
14754 POSTS SINCE 2003
 
106 YO GAY FEMALE FROM AGIOS NIKOLAOS
 
I have to agree with Blur, I've seen quite a few people who have the "I'm so nice, why don't they appreciate me" syndrome. They do "nice" things to make themselves seem better/more worthy. It is a huge ego boost for them.

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# 15 : Saturday 5-12-2009 @ 12:28
 
skyline
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45 YO FEMALE FROM DUBLIN
 
Intrepid said :
That is extremely off-putting, Blur, the victim/the martyr stance. There is absolutely no need for that.


Yes, but we go to these places in our minds. The martyr role is played by someone who needs to be seen as the sufferer, they do things in order to feel lie the sufferer and expect th sympathies/respect of others based on this. Why does one need to be seen to suffer? How do they feel when they are doing it/ what need is being met here? Do they need to feel needed? Who suffered for them?.... where/ from whom did they learn this behviour from?...

its worth mentioning that parents need to behave unselfishly with their kids, but not selfless.... now I know there will be occassions when you have to put kids needs first, but their should also be scenarios where you are put first too... it teaches them to be balanced re fairness/expectations.


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