A bad workman blames his fools........EDIT: *tools........stupid keyboard.

1)
What do lesbians need to get married?
A Licker license!

2)
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook, they just eat out!

3)
What do lesbians do after they have an argument?
They go home and lick each others wounds!

4)
What do two lesbian lovers do when they are both menstruating?
They finger paint!

5)
What did one lesbian say to the other?
Your face or mine?

6)
What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
Well hung!

7)
What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
Hairballs!

8)
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A Klondike!

9)
What's the definition of Frenzy?
Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market!

10)
What's the new politically correct name for a lesbian?
A Vagitarian!

11)
In order to save on holiday costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and says, "There is something I have been meaning to tell you about myself. I will be frank. I am a lesbian."
"That's OK," replied the other girl, "I will be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too!"

12)
What's the difference between a lesbian finger fucking a blonde and a Harley Davidson at the side of the road?
One is a bike in the ditch.......!

13)
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept on having affairs with men!

14)
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

15)
What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
Strapadictomy!

16)
Did you hear about the twin sisters who were both born lesbian?
They Lick a like!

17)
Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra?
She couldn't get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week!

18)
Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?
Because they are always eating out!

19)
What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps!

20)
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss!

21)
What do you call two lesbians paddling a canoe down the river?
Fur traders!

22)
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"I will see you again next month!"

23)
Two lesbians were standing at the bar drinking when another girl waved across the bar.
"Who is that chick?" the first lesbian asked, "I would sure like to get her legs spread on my bed!"
"No you wouldn't!" replied the other lesbian, "I have heard that she is hung like a doughnut!"

24)
A lesbian went to the gynaecologist one day, and as the doctor is examining her, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today."
"Yeah," replied the lesbian, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week!"

25)
What do you call a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A Tong war!

26)
How do you know when you are in a real lesbian bar?
Not even the pool table has balls!

27)
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
19! One to change the lightbulb and 18 to make a documentary about it!

28)
Why were lesbians invented?
So that feminists wouldn't breed!

29)
How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?
None, Its all tongue and groove!

30)
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A Licker cabinet!

31)
What do you call 100 heavily armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge!

32)
What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?
One is a snack cracker.................!

33)
What do you call a Pakistani lesbian?
Fadjeeta!

34)
What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?
Tartar sauce!

Thats Gross!
I love it

Laughed out loud at a few of them! Very good, Ice!

20)
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss Strapadictomy Vagatarian!



Great stuff

@ Ice .

Loved the Lesbian Jokes !

Terrorist Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

Excellent, Kev!

"the air traffic controlers going on strike" I know not funny, but still a joke.

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from Cadburys chocolate for valentine's day... She said that she prefers Terrys....

that's a good one!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
> attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
>
> Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
> profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
> consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything
> else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
>
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more
> rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
> him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
> screamed.
>
> Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
> minute.
>
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
> freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
> said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
> actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
> and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
> unforgivable behaviour."
>
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
> to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
> behavior,the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
> did?"

I love that one! Heard it before, but it's good.

I got caught with this one

A workmate asked me at xmas how long is a turkey meant to last in the freezer
I said years
THAT'S BOLLOX
its not, how
IT IS
I PUT IT IN THE FREEZER LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS DEAD THIS MORNING.