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March 2009 Jokes
 
# 1 : Monday 2-3-2009 @ 08:56
 
 
Ten words, two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday...

They're due to be sentenced next week!
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Got home from the pub last night, and found the missus in bed crying.

"What's up love?" I asked.

"We've had a burglar!", she said.

"Did he get anything?", I enquired.

"Too fucking right he did, I thought it was you!"
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I've always wanted to shake Muhammed Ali's hand...

Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.
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My friend asked me to best describe an erect penis.

I thought long and hard...
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What have Liverpool F.C. and the victims of the Ipswich Ripper got in common?

They both got fucked at the riverside.
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I got a plumber in and asked him for a quote. He said

"Get off your horse and drink your milk"

Turned out he was a cowboy plumber
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An older woman meets a young sexually naive guy at a club and takes him home to teach him a few tricks. When they get their kit off she says "I always like to start off with a 69" the young lad replies "OK I'll give it a go" so they assume the position and just as they do so she lets rip the stinker of all farts. She immediately apologises and requests the start again. She then does the same thing again 30 seconds later. This time the young guy gets up and says "that's it I'm off I'm not hanging about for another 67 of those!"
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I subscribe to the Psychotherapy Journal.

I've got a lot of issues.
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My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform.
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# 2 : Tuesday 3-3-2009 @ 10:06
 
 
Why is it that pensioners can remember an entire war, but forget four fucking digits at a chip and pin machine?
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Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
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I told my mum and dad that I've signed up to fight over in Afghanistan.

They weren't happy. Apparently, joining the Taliban is considered 'unpatriotic'.
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I slept with a Muslim girl last night...she was a sex bomb
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All the people at the office keep telling me that I'm bringing them down to my level....

I operate the lift.
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# 3 : Wednesday 4-3-2009 @ 10:16
 
 
What's the difference between Andrew Strauss and Jack Tweed?

Jack Tweed will be the only one with Ashes on his mantlepiece in the summer.
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The wife says it's time I lost some weight, so she bought me a pedometer. I have to wear it on my wrist and, with every step I take, it records the slight vibration and can tell how many miles I have walked in one day.

It's great, I've been sat on the couch all day, watching "loose women". It says I've walked 12 miles.
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What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?

Winnie Mandela.
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Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.

They spent the entire film going through the fridge labelling everything..
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# 4 : Wednesday 4-3-2009 @ 12:42
 
 
Someone said :

Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.

They spent the entire film going through the fridge labelling everything..
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# 5 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:19
 
 
My wife and I celebrated our leather anniversary today.

I gave her a belt in the mouth.
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I recently found out my mum once made a porno movie.

I don't know what disgusted me more. The fact she made it, or the fact I carried on wanking after I recognised her face.
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Why did the tramp cross the road?

To get to the other Cider.
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WARNING: Tasteless jokes above.
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# 6 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:21
 
 
Someone said :

My wife and I celebrated our leather anniversary today.

I gave her a belt in the mouth.

Domestic violence is never funny, sash.
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# 7 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:22
 
 
Someone said :

Rape joke that was deleted...
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Rape jokes? not funny. AT ALL.
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# 8 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:25
 
 
They're terribly funny! Ok. Not as funny as whatdoyoucalljadegoodyinherweddingdress? ashuttlecock!

But funny nonetheless.
Tell you what, Intrepid. I'll put a notice on the post to warn people.
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# 9 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:27
 
 
Someone said :
They're terribly funny! Ok. Not as funny as whatdoyoucalljadegoodyinherweddingdress? ashuttlecock!

But funny nonetheless.
Tell you what, Intrepid. I'll put a notice on the post to warn people.

You put the warning under the jokes?

They're horrible jokes but they are funny.
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# 10 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:35
 
 
Forum Rules say:

Do not post jokes involving homophobia, racism, rape , child abuse.

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# 11 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:36
 
 
Intrepid is right, Sasha sould be banned I think. Ban him!!!!!!!!!!!!
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# 12 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:37
 
 
Someone said :

You put the warning under the jokes?

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# 13 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:44
 
 
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom,'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first!
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# 14 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:53
 
 
Someone said :


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# 15 : Thursday 5-3-2009 @ 10:54
 
 
Ha ha - good one LL. Reminded me of something the queen mother once said.

Accompanied by the gay writer and wit Sir Noël Coward at a gala, she mounted a staircase lined with Guards. Noticing Coward's eyes flicker momentarily across the soldiers, she murmured to him: "I wouldn't if I were you, Noël; they count them before they put them out."

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