Ten words, two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday...
They're due to be sentenced next week!
Got home from the pub last night, and found the missus in bed crying.
"What's up love?" I asked.
"We've had a burglar!", she said.
"Did he get anything?", I enquired.
"Too fucking right he did, I thought it was you!"
I've always wanted to shake Muhammed Ali's hand...
Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.
My friend asked me to best describe an erect penis.
I thought long and hard...
What have Liverpool F.C. and the victims of the Ipswich Ripper got in common?
They both got fucked at the riverside.
I got a plumber in and asked him for a quote. He said
"Get off your horse and drink your milk"
Turned out he was a cowboy plumber
An older woman meets a young sexually naive guy at a club and takes him home to teach him a few tricks. When they get their kit off she says "I always like to start off with a 69" the young lad replies "OK I'll give it a go" so they assume the position and just as they do so she lets rip the stinker of all farts. She immediately apologises and requests the start again. She then does the same thing again 30 seconds later. This time the young guy gets up and says "that's it I'm off I'm not hanging about for another 67 of those!"
I subscribe to the Psychotherapy Journal.
I've got a lot of issues.
My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform.