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1st World Issues - Cry Me A River...
 
# 1 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 08:50
 
 
Third World Issues? Pah! Get a grip, here is what affects us most here on the top of the heap:

The top ten first world issues:

10. Hangovers
We'd love to journey back in time to find out where exactly in history the wires of virtue got seriously tangled up, and the knock on effects of binging on near life-ending quantities of alcohol began warranting sympathy. If your head hurts a bit after 11 pints and half a bottle of vodka, good - it's a message from your body that too much more of that and it's bye-bye Mr. Liver. Suck it up, drink some water and be thankful you live in a society that not only provides you with the economic means and recreational services to get so hammered in the first place, but also pampers you like a wounded soldier the day after. "Awh, can I get you another cup of tea love." Hang your throbbing head in shame....

9. Nothing on TV
Awwwh.... There's nothin on TV is there? Oh well, read a book, go for a walk, converse with fellow first-world inhabitants (we believe it's called - socialising) or otherwise avail of the several million entertainment options in the first-world. When you find yourself complaining, yet still sitting through your 19th viewing of the same episode of Friends, you don't deserve better TV listings, you deserve to be taken out and shot....

8. ATM queues
You know you're smack bang in the thick of first world ignorance when you hear people queuing up in perfect safety, to get their own money, to spend on themselves, on whatever the heck they want, but complaining because they might have to wait about 3 or 4 minutes. Just think what you could have done in those 3 or 4 minutes... probably complain about something else... like how penniless farmers in Burma break their backs farming the harshest imaginable land for 150 hours a week, only to have their two or three pitiful fistfuls of hazardously diseased corn taken off them by local military mobs... Just kidding, we know you'd find a far more pressing issue to critique, like the price of ice-cream or something....
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# 2 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 08:55
 
 
7. Rain
Of course, farming in the third world is somewhat hampered by the fact that it might rain for five seconds a year, but what better tragedy for us first-worldians to moan about than a few days consecutive rain and how 'down' we all get as a result? Hmmmm... can we just remind everybody that hats, jackets, umbrellas, scarves and raingear are widely available to protect us all from suffering the damning effects of being caught in the rain. You know, like... frizzy hair... or.... foggy glasses....

6. Bad back from a soft bed
If your back hurts from having spent a whole night sank blissfully into a luxurious dough-like mattress, put up with it. There’s nothing worse than hearing someone crib that their €1,000 mattress isn't "quite right for their body." Try hunkering down on a slab of freezing sand, gravel or concrete next time things get a bit too ‘pudgy’ in the back-support department....

5. Sore feet from high heels
Pain resulting from wearing high heels is only a problem for first world women. If you intentionally choose to purchase shoes that are clearly going to cause extreme discomfort, throbbing, deformations, bruising, corns or lacerated foot tendons, you have yourself and yourself alone to blame. Ladies, everyone realizes you're trying to look more sophisticated and sleek, give the illusion of having longer legs or just simply want a pocket spear in the case of a row, but when a long commute is ahead of you, or an evening of walking, queuing and dancing for that matter, do you not think practicality should topple aesthetics? Stop whining - you choose to wear these podiatric death traps, you deal with the pain and you deal with it in the strictest of silence....
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# 3 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 08:57
 
 
4. Being peckish
It truly is a reflection of being a pampered first-world ponce when you crib and whimper as soon as your brain detects the slightest drop in food levels. There are three stages of food intake humans need worry about - sustained, hungry, dead from starvation. That's it. Next time you feel ‘peckish’, just shut up and wait for your next full meal, which you obtained without having to risk your life hunting for several days in a treacherous jungle, desert or swamp....

3. Having too much change
Haughty first worldians commonly complain about the laborious task of carrying around too much "loose change." But if you take a step back and think for a moment, you’re actually boasting about having too much money! Nobody likes a whiner, and nobody likes a bragger - and you are both. So if you find yourself moaning about your overabundance of money not being wrapped up neatly in clean, weightless notes – never have children. Spend it, or donate it to a charity. We’re certain most poverty-stricken third world inhabitants would gladly take your burden of change to carry....

2. Fear of Spiders
Save for a small number of exceptions (Australia, for example) a first world inhabitant has absolutely no right whatsoever to fear spiders. Spiders in the first world are unlikely to be any larger than a cherry. They also eat flies and generally keep themselves to their completely unpoisonous selves. There are spiders in parts of Africa and South America that go out of their way to hunt down medium sized children and devour them whole. So if an easily-drownable spec in the bath freaks you out, try systematic neurotoxicity, respiratory failure or necrosis....
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# 4 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 08:59
 
 
and the top gripe of the First World:

1. Being too full
Ah the top-dog of our list in all it's gluttonous glory... Don't try and deny that at some point in your life you haven't heaved back from consuming several times your body weight in food, clasping your throbbing gut and moaning that you're too-full. It's probably happened as recently as in the last 24 hours, hasn't it? Now have a serious think about what that actually means. You have eaten too much food! And you somehow feel this gives you the right to actually COMPLAIN? Sssshhhh, do you hear that? If you listen very carefully, you can hear the delicate little 'whump' noises as millions of malnourished children the third world over collapse dead from starvation. If the noises get too loud or repetitive, just drown them out with some Coldplay while you shovel that eighth helping of curry down your gullet....
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# 5 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 09:04
 
 
Did you need to space it out over 4 posts Ms Firestarter August 2009?

On topic however I would say I have complained or whined about at least 8 of them.

I hate ATM Queues, especially women in them!
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# 6 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 09:14
 
 
I thought it was too long for one post...i know i wouldn't have read it.
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# 7 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 10:39
 
 
not a complaint but i would like an explanation for the length of time that it does take women to use the ATM.. is there secret options on the screen that only women have access to..
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# 8 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 10:58
 
 
Someone said :
you can hear the delicate little 'whump' noises as millions of malnourished children the third world over collapse dead from starvation.

Name one of them !
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# 9 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:02
 
 
Mulloityya Carnobioas
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# 10 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:04
 
 
Someone said :
Mulloityya Carnobioas

A.S.L. ?
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# 11 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:11
 
 
5. Sore feet from high heels
Pain resulting from wearing high heels is only a problem for first world women.

That's untrue. If you go to urban areas in countries in the Majority World, you'll see FAR more women wearing high heels. Glamour is of huge importance amongst women in these countries. Men are consequently much more likely to be macho, though I've seem plenty of people who broke the gender stereotypes. (I'm only drawing from my experience here.)There are far more women wearing high heels in Eastern Europe than there is in our country, Ireland. Yes, in rural areas, very few women, if any, wear high heels.

ATM
I don't know what you are talking about? People queue. If you queue, you have to wait. End of. In other countries, people have no problems queuing ten hours for things. And you're complaining about five minutes? THAT is the problem. What makes time so important to you?

Nothing on TV
Aye. There is a whole wild world out there. Nothing on TV? Grand. Get off your ass and do different things. Excellent point, CZ.

Hangovers
Well...

Rain
We are truly blessed with our weather and complain all the time about it. That's very true. We don't just have rain. We have all sorts. We have Coast to Coast air conditioning, free of charge.

Being too full
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# 12 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:18
 
 
Someone said :
5. Sore feet from high heels
Pain resulting from wearing high heels is only a problem for first world women.

That's untrue. If you go to urban areas in countries in the Majority World, you'll see FAR more women wearing high heels. Glamour is of huge importance amongst women in these countries. Men are consequently much more likely to be macho, though I've seem plenty of people who broke the gender stereotypes. (I'm only drawing from my experience here.)There are far more women wearing high heels in Eastern Europe than there is in our country, Ireland. Yes, in rural areas, very few women, if any, wear high heels.

I dont think eastern europe counts a the third world
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# 13 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:21
 
 
Correct, Efferal. However, the OP was talking about the First World. To adhere to such terminology, Eastern Europe would be considered the Second World.

If you wish to refer to the Third World, I have seen women in African and Asian countries wearing high heels and they have castigated me for wearing flat shoes and boots when out and about at night. 'Not glamorous enough', they said to me.
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# 14 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:24
 
 
Someone said :
not a complaint but i would like an explanation for the length of time that it does take women to use the ATM.. is there secret options on the screen that only women have access to..

The Americsn way, but it will give you a brief insight as to what happens in other countries

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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# 15 : Monday 17-8-2009 @ 11:31
 
 
Well...

As an Irish woman, I WALK to the ATM, take the card out of my POCKET, insert it in the RIGHT way the FIRST time, take out my money, then GO.
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