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Being LGBTQ And Over 30
 
# 1 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 09:49
 
 
People tall about there being this ageism on Gaire, there is even a thread on this subject:

Link For This Page : https://www.gaire.com/e/f/view.asp?parent=1073046

However this thread is about people's OWN experiences about being a member of the LGBTQ community and are over 30 years of age.

There is so much that can be discussed here.

1. If you came out at an early age, and enjoyed your 20-something years on the scene, did you find people's attitudes changing?

2. What is it like coming out past the age of 30?

3. How do people treat you if you are 40,50, 60 or older?

4. Conversely, people have remarked that as someone grows older, they find more support and whatnot in the LGBTQ community.

As a starting point... Do you have any thoughts to share about what it was like for you personally once you have reached your thirties? Is this ageism overstated in the media, or is it actually the case? Would it be worse for men than for women?
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# 2 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 10:10
 
 
I have had a mixed experience. The 'scene' is a cult of the young, and it's all about being twenty-something. Once you're over 30 you're invisible, and once you're over forty you're even more er ... invisible.

But the other thing is that you get so much more confident in your right to be gay, and decide that the haters really don't matter. I've become almost militant in the last decade.

So good and bad. Mostly good though.
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# 3 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 10:19
 
 
I was 35 when I told my family I was gay. I dont like to say 'came out', because I never thought I was 'in'. It was a homophobic issue that caused me to tell my family I am gay. I informed them, and didnt place any more emphasis on it than that. Eventhough I didnt descuss my sexuality with people, I have experienced the Dublin and Cork scene from the age of 16. I never used the scene as a meeting point re partners, because I always felt the scene was too incestrous in both cities, but I used it as a social outlet, and often still do.

Being 40 is a good stage of life to be at, as a gay woman. I have reached a lot of goals, and I am very relaxed with who I am. I think I have a different look on life because of my age, and as they say, your mind never really grows old.. I am sure there are a lot of different stories out there.

With regard to support within the LGBTQ, this community will be as open or closed as you are. I think the older one is, the easier it might be, simply because the older one gets, the more independent they become in terms of representation. I dont know if it would be more difficult for younger people, or if there are pressures on them to be part of the scene.
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# 4 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:16
 
 
I'm interested in your point about the community being as open as you are yourself, Skyline. That hasn't been my experience.

I came out last year, in my late 30s, and for me, it's been like trying to join a secret society. There's very little happening in Galway. I'd like to connect with the community, but I'm damned if I can find it.
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# 5 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:23
 
 
Getting old is something that happens to other people I'm in total denial - other than that I don't think I've had too many problems except for the night in Barcode when some guy compared both mine and Padmunds lunchbox then told me I was too old anyway, but he was drunk and obnoxious.
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# 6 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:23
 
 
Someone said :
I'm interested in your point about the community being as open as you are yourself, Skyline. That hasn't been my experience.

I came out last year, in my late 30s, and for me, it's been like trying to join a secret society. There's very little happening in Galway. I'd like to connect with the community, but I'm damned if I can find it.

Hi Euphrates, I depended on the scene for very little, in fact I have never been reliant on it for anything other than providing a space where I can be close with my partner, and be more expressive in the gay environment as opposed to a straight one.

I made friends through sites etc, and that enabled me to access the scene when I wanted to. Things like walking groups, gay book clubs ect, anything that got me out there. If you check the GCN or even on line, you might find small groups as opposed to 'the scene'... where you can make connections and friendships first..
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# 7 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:31
 
 
I think the scene is a state of mind, really.

Edit...
That's just me, but Euphrates, I think you should listen to Skyline's advice, it's sound, and would be much better for you than trying to 'go to the scene'. What is the scene anyway?

You say you're from Galway. Are there small groups you could be a member of? As Skyline suggested, you could make friends online.

Step by small step, you'll get there.

Good luck!
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# 8 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:33
 
 
Someone said :
I think the scene is a state of mind, really.

Faust?!! Is that you?!! How did you get into Treps mind?!
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# 9 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:36
 
 
Someone said :

Faust?!! Is that you?!! How did you get into Treps mind?!



I edited my post to explain. I'm not Faust. LOL! No.

Euphrates, I apologise if I appeared offensively dismissive. That was not my intention at all.
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# 10 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 16:52
 
 
I never mentioned the scene. I was talking about the community!

I think this is the difference between life in the capital (or even the real capital) and what the rest of us face. I've looked for all the kinds of groups you've described locally, without success.

From conversations I've had with people who are out a lot longer than I am, they all report similar findings. The gay community for women on the West of the Shannon is hard to find.

Students have the option of their college LGBTQ societies, but the grown ups are stuffed.
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# 11 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 17:10
 
 
Someone said :
I never mentioned the scene. I was talking about the community!

I think this is the difference between life in the capital (or even the real capital) and what the rest of us face. I've looked for all the kinds of groups you've described locally, without success.

From conversations I've had with people who are out a lot longer than I am, they all report similar findings. The gay community for women on the West of the Shannon is hard to find.

Students have the option of their college LGBTQ societies, but the grown ups are stuffed.

Sorry I think I misunderstood. By community I thought you meant the gay scene.. apologies.

The gay scene and the gay community are very accessible here in Dublin, and there is a good bit of variety. I am not sure how it is in Galway, but I have a friend who travels there frequently because she likes the craig on the scene. However I do know about gay life in rural area. I am only in Dublin 3 years and built up my network before I moved. I had to get into my car and go and meet people, I had to make an effort to contact people and make arrangements, because they didnt need to build on their circle of friends, I needed to build on mine.

I am sensing a defeatest attitude by you, and while I understand it to a degree, its not going to serve you at all, nobody is going to come to you, you have to try to go to them. There are some members on here from Galway, check them out, I am not sure if Gaire do meets in Galway, but check it out. I know how you feel, I have been there myself, and have often felt isolated even in Dublin when I moved here first. Ask yourself what kind of connections you want, and try to seek them out... best of luck
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# 12 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 17:54
 
 
Not sure why you think I'm defeatist, Skyline - I've been traveling all around the place and have met some great people along the way. That's not really the point of my post. My point is that if you're outside the Pale, there isn't much of a community and that surprises me.

If you're 30+, I think this is particularly significant. We old folks may be less interested in clubbing (that'll get the mutton howling) and I'm just amazed that there isn't a better social infrastructure for the gay community.
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# 13 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 17:59
 
 
Someone said :
Not sure why you think I'm defeatist, Skyline - I've been traveling all around the place and have met some great people along the way. That's not really the point of my post. My point is that if you're outside the Pale, there isn't much of a community and that surprises me.

If you're 30+, I think this is particularly significant. We old folks may be less interested in clubbing (that'll get the mutton howling) and I'm just amazed that there isn't a better social infrastructure for the gay community.

What is your expectation?

I am 40 and I dont consider myself an old folk, I have different interests than your average 25 year old, but wouldnt be ageist in terms of interests. What kind of 'gay community' do you expect in rural areas?
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# 14 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 18:03
 
 
Someone said :
I have had a mixed experience. The 'scene' is a cult of the young, and it's all about being twenty-something. Once you're over 30 you're invisible, and once you're over forty you're even more er ... invisible.

Surely you're not 'invisible' if you're treated like a dinosaur, I refer to calling a certain place 'Jurassic Park'. Surely this must be worse? At least you have your friends. The thing is... if you are a man/woman in your 40s and only recently coming to realise you're gay, after a lifetime not realising it, only to be given the 'Jurassic' treatment? Thank goodness there are plenty of groups in Dublin, Cork and Limerick. However, this is not the case in other places.

But the other thing is that you get so much more confident in your right to be gay, and decide that the haters really don't matter. I've become almost militant in the last decade.

Excellent.

So good and bad. Mostly good though.

Excellent.
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# 15 : Monday 7-9-2009 @ 18:06
 
 
Someone said :

What kind of 'gay community' do you expect in rural areas?

Well, in rural areas, probably none, but in a town the size of Galway, I thought there would be a walking club, a movie night, a book club, or something along those lines. All of which may be an argument to start one, I'm just surprised there isn't something already.
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