Wow, thanks for the prompt reply ... To answer ..
have u managed to confide ur feelings with anyone, friend, therapist, was it useful
.. I didn't confide to any of my friends because I was reading a lot of Indian Spirituality at the time and (in my fooldardiness) thought that it was just a case of my balancing my feminine and masculine energies and that it was a 'test' that had been bestowed on me from on high (God complex I know - but didn't realise it at the time). I did eventually go to a therapist for a few sessions, but didn't really help much ... the ' ..and how do you feel about that?' line of questioning left me a tad disillusioned.
what makes u think u could be gay in the first place?
.. well, as previoulsy mentioned, we had a chat one night and I came back to a memory of me in school when I was 5 or 6 and I bumped into a New Boy in the playground ... I looked at him and an inexplicable feeling of awe and wonderousness came over me that I've never encountered since ... a feeling that made me go home and write his name on every page of one of those huge bumper colouring books you used to get at Christmas when you were small. I became besotted by him for how long I can't remember, I couldn't even muster enough gumshin to talk to him, just look at him from afar every day ... but I must've repressed it so much it took 30 years for it to resurface.
After that, I surmised that my going out with girls (I've always had a girlfriend since I was about 14, never been without one long enough to question otherwise) was me not dealing with this encounter properly. A few other things made sense too ... How I used to jest in my teenage years with me mates that "I'm Gay' ... I'd get a laugh, but maybe I was really just testing the waters for a reaction and never got the reaction I sought. Also, (when I was young again), me and a friend used to 'compare willies' and I used to get a 'childhood high' from this (accompanied by a 'childhood guilt' for having done it in the first place and vowing to never do it again.
And you're probably right LimkCher, I do feel obligated to her in some way ... I don't want to let her down (she's fairly disillusioned with 'Men' already) ...
Thanks for the reply ...