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# 1 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:08

I just had a huge arguement with my mother. she said some things that really hurt.
im sitting in my room. i was thinking about my life and how useless and pathetic i am. i am gay.i havent told anybody. i barely have any friends.i havent been with a girl or guy...ever...mantally, i am still the same as i was when i was 16.im short. fat. ugly. i mean,what is the fucking point? half the so called friends i have just ignore my texts. whwnever i invite them out, half of them dont even reply. sometimes they go out and im not even invited.i feel like a fake . there was even a guy that i thought was a really good friend that just stopped speaking to me.i feel ignored half the time i am in a job i hate. i feel trapped. i am seriously considering killing myself.
tonight,but i am scared. im probably too useless to even go through with that. .

this is not a cry for help, i just want to know if there is anybody out there that feels the same way.
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# 2 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:17
I think you're just having a bad day where you think the world is against you.

It's never too late to start afresh, get out and meet new people, have a laugh and enjoy life.

I don't see suicide as being an answer to anyones problems, especially when there is so much support for young male / gay males about.

Make a commitment to join a group, attend Gaire / other website meets and to meet new people.

The Gay Switchboard Dublin is there for you Monday - Thursday if you ever just need to vent


As well as Gaire there is www.queerid.com who have a lot more regular meets and tends to be a younger crowd.

Life is to be enjoyed though, there is no point continually wallowing in self pity when you can go out and do something about it.

Best of luck.
# 3 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:18
Hey martin,

I really don't thin ur alone in this. I myself have felt like this on numerous occasions through out my life (and I still get the odd pang of it every now and again).

There isn't anything I can say really, as I know that when I get those feelings I just want to be left alone. So I guess you can just know that ur not alone in those feelings and that things can (and will) get better.
# 4 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:19
Suicide is not the answer, seriously. It's a permanent solution to a temporary situation. You have just had a fight, hurtful things have been said and you are upset, your view of the world is completely coloured by that now. If you are feeling this way there could also be a medical reason for it so you should firstly go to your Doctor to get advice. I have gone through some very tough times myself and doing this can make all the difference!! You are not useless, everyone is valuable and your life though it doesn't feel like it, is precious.

Edited to add: As Shaggy says, the gay switchboard is a really good place to start if you haven't been able to come out yet or are worried about being gay. There is brilliant support out there and it could open the door to a whole new chapter in your life
# 5 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:25
Someone said :
It's a permanent solution to a temporary situation.:

That's beautifully put, but the meaning behind it is more beautiful still. Its important to never try to change the world - thats trying to wrap one's head over every problem -it simply wont stretch that far. But as long as we're alive, one is always capable of change, and that change can create a domino effect wherein, not the world itself per se, but how we choose to see and interact with it, can transform radically.
# 6 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:38

Sitting in your room, upset and with bad thoughts is certainly not where you want to be. First off, Fair play to you for logging on and sharing . You will always get a helping hand here on Gaire. I'm going to assume you do not feel this way all the time
and the argument with your mother has triggered some buried feelings for you.
At 26 years of age,i feel it's time you started to interact with other gay people,
The ability to chat with others who have been in the same situation will make you realise that what your experiencing is not unique. We have all been there at some time in the past.Friends come and go in life, you have to learn to be your own best friend first. I'm sure you have some great qualities that you have not explored or identified with.Could you consider moving out from your home place and getting a place of your own, maybe even sharing with someone.
Getting some independence and privacy will do you great benifits as you come to terms and explore your sexuality.Keep an eye on the boards here for when the next gaire meet is on. It's an opportunity for you to make some new friends in a very safe enviroment. Now stop that talk about been ugly and fat, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Stick around here and read some of the threads, you will find that your not alone and also that your in good company.
# 7 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:48
hang in there lad, its an off day!i had loads of them fights with mum! go out and meet people, even hang out here and chat with the lovely crazies on here! it will pass, put on some music, chill and chat here for a while. next week go out and meet people, loads of time and its personality that counts so dont be self concious! take care!
# 8 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 20:55
Hi Martin ! Welcome on board .
Was once in a suicidal frame of mind myself, over different issues, but the same frame of mind . Got past that point and came back to life . Try and sleep tonight and things will hopefully look brighter in the morning .
# 9 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 21:14
a good friend said to me when was at a low ebb 'this too will pass' and so it did.
As with you this will pass.
The strong impulses in life negative and positive are an invitation to grow. This pressure phase you are experiencing is that period of pushing through to new grow and a more fuller experience of who you are. What is required for this stage is patience and acceptance.
Being where you are and your ability to put your feelings and thoughts to us here means you have awareness that there is something better beyond. And there is. :-)
# 10 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 21:23
Someone said :
a good friend said to me when was at a low ebb 'this too will pass' and so it did.
As with you this will pass.
The strong impulses in life negative and positive are an invitation to grow. This pressure phase you are experiencing is that period of pushing through to new grow and a more fuller experience of who you are. What is required for this stage is patience and acceptance.
Being where you are and your ability to put your feelings and thoughts to us here means you have awareness that there is something better beyond. And there is. :-)

And awareness is the prelude to change. The way in which you are currently seeing the world isnt wrong - what it is is one of many innumerable ways of seeing that world, so you can change it and enpower yourself to embody the change.
# 11 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 21:23
Martin, I think you need to make some changes so that you exert some sort of control over the direction of you life. As Marlbro said - think about moving out. You'll learn to be more independent and it will increase your experience with people and you may make new friends.
# 12 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 22:10
Hi Martin

I know life might seem really bad - believe me - I've been where you are now as have many others on this site. I know that right now you are hurting and that you probably think that you want to end all that - but Life does improve and you can make some positive changes in your own life as well

Here's a few ideas

Tomorrow - go for a long walk somewhere scenic, talk to someone
Next week Start looking for a new job and also consider attending some of the events run by www.gaywestmeath.com

for now : virtual hugs
# 13 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 22:30
I feel the same way, in response to your posting.
I get so agitated sometimes, I once got a knife from the drawer and 'scratched' myself with it.
There are a lot of men and women who hurt so bad that they think this is the solution.
Some don't share, and some do.

I'm going to psychotherapy.
I've been going for near on two year now. I don't know your situation, so I can't comment or give any advice.

I'm lucky to find a therapist that I like, and trust. Still it gets tough sometimes.

Its a struggle.
So I know how your feeling, not quite understanding all of it, but like some of the rest of the posters, understand, 'being there'.

But I'm still here.
And I'm not that bad. Not today.

Take care mate.
# 14 : Saturday 27-3-2010 @ 22:38
Just a note to say that everyone has gone through what you are going through. It does not matter whether you are old, young, tall, short, fat or thin. Everyone has been in that place. I hope it's comforting for you to know that there are people on this site who are thinking about you.

Gaire is a great place to start and it really is up to you now to make the effort. Gaire meets are great for meeting people.
Everyone will make you feel welcome especially if you are new.

At the end of the day, unfortunately, it really is up to you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but you will find people will meet you half way if you do. But you really have to make the first move.
# 15 : Sunday 28-3-2010 @ 06:38
First the feeling you have is because you had a arguement with your mother and thats what hurts, not because your Gay or what was said, you feel sad because you were fighting with the one you love, and now you want to hurt her by you commiting suicide, that is a stupid selfish thought, and you gain nothing,
Build a bridge and get over it !!!!!! So you are gay or you think you are, so what half the people out there are gay, men and women alike so join the club, what do you want special treatment, its your fault that you do not make an effort to mix, get off your arse and go make friends, in this world there is always someone for someone, no matter how ugly or reserved they are, and what is ugly, you sure you are ugly, or is it you have not found the right person that see's the beauty in you and tells you so.
So first go for a walk a serious walk, feel fresh and good, and go out to where you will meet other people they do not have to be gay, maybe you will be lucky that then right person male or female may come along that will be a good friemd or even a lover, but get out and even find your own place,
So dont blame your mother for the arguement, think !!!was it your own doing, or lack of doing,
So get out there and make a life, not take the easy way and cowards way out.
x x x x x x life is what you make...... it not yours to take it
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