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Anyone Got Any Good Jokes
# 46 : Tuesday 17-9-2013 @ 12:14
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
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# 47 : Tuesday 17-9-2013 @ 12:15
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda. No. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
# 48 : Tuesday 17-9-2013 @ 12:16
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin'
meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!"
responded McMaken.
# 49 : Tuesday 17-9-2013 @ 12:17
Two Irishmen are setting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister,"
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
# 50 : Tuesday 17-9-2013 @ 12:17
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells
him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is in America, the other
in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks
one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then
a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no,
everybody's just fine," He explains,
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church
and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."
# 51 : Saturday 21-9-2013 @ 11:44
An Australian walks into a pub in Monaghan. The three locals are sitting contemplating their pints in silence like they have for years. The Australian decides to start a conversation.

"Are you guys farmers? You know, it takes me three days to drive from one end of my farm to the other".

The Monaghan farmers sit thinking about that for a while.

Eventually one of them replies. "I used to have a car like that too."
# 52 : Saturday 21-9-2013 @ 13:09
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)
# 53 : Friday 27-9-2013 @ 16:21
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
# 54 : Saturday 28-9-2013 @ 10:52
14. Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?", asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
# 55 : Saturday 28-9-2013 @ 10:53
A gas station owner near Camden, Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close ! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE S ex.".
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, LeRoy . It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week ."
# 56 : Sunday 3-11-2013 @ 17:16
A prisoner had just been sentenced for a heinous crime and was returned to his cell. An inquisitive guard could not wait to ask him about the outcome.

Guard: “What did you get for a sentence?”
Prisoner: “I could choose life or 100 years.”
Guard: “And what did you choose?”
Prisoner: “Well, life, obviously. Statistically speaking that is shorter.”
# 57 : Tuesday 5-11-2013 @ 12:54
"Smoking near Apple computers actually voids the warranty."

So This is why it's recommended to smoke near windows!
# 58 : Saturday 25-1-2014 @ 22:05
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
# 59 : Saturday 12-4-2014 @ 11:53
An engineer, a chemist and a statistician are working in a lab when a fire beaks out in a wastebasket. The engineer says: “We need some water to put out the fire!”, while the chemist says: “We don’t need water, we just need to cover the waste basket and prevent oxygen from getting to the fire, and it will go out.”

A heated argument between the engineer and chemist ensues over the better method of putting out the fire. Meanwhile, the statistician, having listened intently to the other two, begins running around the lab setting more fires. On realizing this, the engineer and chemist say to the statistician, “Wait! what are you doing!! You will burn the whole building down!!!”.

The statistician replies, “Look guys, if you really want to know which method works better, you are going to need a larger sample size.”
# 60 : Monday 23-6-2014 @ 01:04
From Gary Delaney on Mock the week this week,on shopping.
"Are these knickers satin"?
No,they're new.
"I'd like to buy this Christmas tree"
"Are you going to put it up yourself"?
"No,I was thinking more of in the living room,to be honest"
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