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Bad Joke Thread
 
# 16 : Thursday 2-8-2012 @ 06:41
 
 
Someone said :
One day, Mr Smith, the president of a large corporation, Dave, into his office and said, "Dave, we're making some cutbacks, so either Barbara or Jack will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

the next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've a problem. I've got to lay you or Jack off, and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got an headache."

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# 17 : Thursday 2-8-2012 @ 09:40
 
 
an old 80 year old couple celebrating ther golden wedding anniversary,went back to there honeymoon hotel
that night the wife put on a sexy negligee
and said to her husband, " joe this time 50 years ago what were you doing?"
Joe replied, " I was screwing you stupid and sucking your tits dry"
The wife asked "And what are you thinking now Joe?

Joe replied " i think I did a damn good job"
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# 18 : Thursday 2-8-2012 @ 09:48
 
 
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for her annual check-up.

The doctor told her she needed more physical activity and recommended that she have sex three times a week.

She said to her doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor went out to the waiting room and told her husband that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.

The woman's 80-year-old husband replied, " Which days?"

The doctor said, "How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?"

The old man said, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

-- Anonymous
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# 19 : Thursday 2-8-2012 @ 10:03
 
 
Since more and more older adults are texting and tweeting, there seems to be a growing need for an STC (senior texting code). If you qualify for senior discounts, this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren, so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At the doctor

BFF: Best friend fainted

BTW: Bring the wheelchair

CBM: Covered by Medicare

DWI: Driving while incontinent

FYI: Found your insulin

GGPBL: Gotta go; pacemaker battery low!

GHA: Got heartburn again

HGBM: Had good bowel movement

IMHO: Is my hearing-aid on?

LMDO: Laughing my dentures out

LOL: Living on Lipitor

OMSG: Oh my! Sorry, gas

ROFL...CGU: Rolling on floor laughing...can't get up

TTYL: Talk to you louder

WAITT: Who am I talking to?

WTFA: Wet the furniture again

WTP: Where's the prunes?

GGLKI: Gotta go; laxative kicking in

-- Anonymous
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# 20 : Thursday 2-8-2012 @ 10:05
 
 
An old prospector had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

Just then, the old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound, and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you every kiss a mule's a__?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

-- Anonymous
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# 21 : Friday 3-8-2012 @ 00:07
 
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
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# 22 : Friday 3-8-2012 @ 00:08
 
 
Is it the weather
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# 23 : Friday 3-8-2012 @ 12:06
 
 
Someone said :
Is it the weather

yes
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# 24 : Saturday 4-8-2012 @ 14:29
 
 
Three Oxford dons went skinny dipping in the river, up a bot from the university. After their swim, they were lying on the bank, naked, drying themselves off in the sun when a boat came around the bend in the river with some young women in it. Immediately, the men jumped up. Two pulled up their clothes around their middle, the third covered his face. "I don't know about you gentlemen", he said, "but around here I am identified by my face."
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# 25 : Wednesday 15-8-2012 @ 15:45
 
 
Two peanuts walking down a dark alley. One was assaulted

2 goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
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# 26 : Wednesday 15-8-2012 @ 17:26
 
 
Someone said :
Two peanuts walking down a dark alley. One was assaulted

2 goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

*Shoots Mango*!
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# 27 : Wednesday 15-8-2012 @ 20:24
 
 
what's 20 letters long and hard to remember correctly?

fhencuditngpqnaunitl
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# 28 : Wednesday 15-8-2012 @ 20:39
 
 
what's the difference between this joke and the previous joke?

this joke is meant to be read in a cookie monster voice
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# 29 : Thursday 16-8-2012 @ 07:32
 
 
Someone said :
what's 20 letters long and hard to remember correctly?

fhencuditngpqnaunitl

aaargh!
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# 30 : Thursday 16-8-2012 @ 11:58
 
 
A book has just fallen on my head..

i just have my shelf to blame
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