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No Sex Relationship
 
# 1 : Tuesday 13-8-2019 @ 17:01
 
 
I know this site sometimes gets a lot of people slagging others off when they are actually looking for genuine advice and perhaps this post will be no different but I hope there are a few people out there that can give their point of view.

I am in a long distance relationship for just over one year. I live in Kildare and he lives in Cork. We meet every few weeks and that part of the relationship is not a big issue. The issue is that when we meet, he never wants to have sex. You would think, if you are in love and attracted to someone, you would jump on them the moment you see them after being apart for weeks but sadly my boyfriend is not like that it seems.

I have brought this up with him many times and he is very adamant that he loves me, he does not just want to be friends and he wants to be with me long term. He has said he is not seeing other people but I know he does chat to guys on Grindr and other apps. He says this is just chatting and he has never met anyone. He likes to hold hands, kiss and hug but anything that is more sexual, he pushes me away. He is in his mid 30s and has said he is not a virgin and has been in normal sexual relationships with gay partners in the past, by that I mean he is not new to the gay scene or to having a male partner.

I should say that he is a non national and not from the EU so he has to seek permission to say and work here. This is something I am not blind to and the question of if he is just using me to stay in Ireland has come into my mind many times and I have discussed this with him. I have even said we could be just good friends, in contact all the time but just not have the pressure of a relationship but each time he refuses to accept this and says he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet each time we get to be alone together and I try to have sex or any sexual contact he makes up a reason why we cant. He is not feeling well, he is stressed, his shoulder is hurting him, he is worried about his job, he is tired. I accepted these at the start as I like him and didnt want to put any pressure on him but its over a year now and we have only had sex about 3 times.

Sex of course is not everything in a relationship but it is important and I am now starting to feel uncomfortable around him, in bed etc. It would be easy if I did not care for him but when you are dating someone over a year, its not that easy to just say goodbye, even more so when everything else is ok. Can anyone give some genuine advice???

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# 2 : Tuesday 13-8-2019 @ 17:35
 
 
Maybe he's just not into sex. He could still love you and want to be your boyfriend and sounds like it.

I'm going through a phase of not wanting sex (side effect of medication).
Dosen't mean I can't love someone.

I wish you luck kissmetwice
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# 3 : Tuesday 13-8-2019 @ 17:40
 
 
Someone said :
Maybe he's just not into sex. He could still love you and want to be your boyfriend and sounds like it.

I'm going through a phase of not wanting sex (side effect of medication).
Dosen't mean I can't love someone.

I wish you luck kissmetwice

Thank you for your nice reply
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# 4 : Tuesday 13-8-2019 @ 20:49
 
 
I'd like a relationship like that, no sex and it not being important. If it does happen, it does and at least your not under pressure to perform ASAP.
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# 5 : Wednesday 14-8-2019 @ 00:51
 
 
Might be better to cool things for a while and just stay friends, he obviously has an aversion to intimacy for some reason or maybe could be a closet straight. Is he overworked and stressed.?
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# 6 : Wednesday 14-8-2019 @ 07:37
 
 
It's also possible he may be Asexual. I'm open to the idea of relationships but, just have little to no interest in the act of sex.. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality
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# 7 : Thursday 15-8-2019 @ 08:57
 
 
You are right to consider he may be using you, but let's explore other avenue first.

How was the sex the 3 times you had sex: maybe he is not enjoying sex, or not performing and ashamed of it.

Have you tried alternatives? Maybe he likes masturbating to certain type of porn and that is something you could try doing together. (If that type is legal of course)

Have you tried online/phone/internet sex when you are apart. Maybe he is more into that and that is why he is on those applications.

Again, at the end of the day he may also be playing you, and a few others.
And easy test for that is: would you consider him "out of your league", or do people tell you he is lucky to have found you? And does he use you in other ways (Who pays for stuff? Who makes presents to the other? Is there a patter where you maintain him in some way rather than playing house evenly?

If you find that relationship not unfulfilling, do you just find the grass is green in the next field over? But how easy access do you have to the next field? Is he better than nothing but not much?

As you can see I have more questions than answers.

Advice: don't get stuck in something you no longer enjoy. For both your sake.
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# 8 : Sunday 8-9-2019 @ 19:26
 
 
ditch the bitch
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# 9 : Monday 9-9-2019 @ 07:45
 
 
Now now Dr. Ruth.
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# 10 : Monday 9-9-2019 @ 08:28
 
 
If he doesn't want to have sex, have you suggested to him if he is ok with you having random sex with other people or go to gay counseling in outhouse?

He could be pretending to be gay to get a visa?

I get it some people are happy having no sex, but if you want a full on sexual relationship maybe you should just be friends with this guy?

I hope you sort it out.
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# 11 : Tuesday 10-9-2019 @ 08:37
 
 
Someone said :
He could be pretending to be gay to get a visa?


Yeah, there is a huge problem with straight men pretending to be gay to get a visa. Someone should tell them they could just marry a local woman.

go to gay counseling in outhouse?

Some people arnt that interested in sex, why should he need counselling?

I get it some people are happy having no sex, but if you want a full on sexual relationship maybe you should just be friends with this guy?

I think that is the best solution. People are so insistent on making ever connection turn into something long lasting and permanent, when most of them should be left as flings.

@op
If sex is a big deal to you then find someone you are more compatible with. This relationship is not likely to get past this issue. Even if you talk about it and try to move on, you will continue to have the same problem every time you get horny.


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