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The Long Process Of Coming Out
# 76 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:06
You'll still be their daughter!
If they don't talk to you because of it then they don't deserve you Shebeen.
Go home but by all means don't let them think your girlfriend is not with you because they don't approve.
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# 77 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:10
if its too much for you to give them an ultimatum right now then dont. but be careful, dont go home if you think you're going to resent them for it... I couldnt imagine not seeing my gf for my bday and although your problems are taking the main stage right now its important to make some sort of a stand and let your gf know that shes wanted and appreciated... maybe make a compromise-spend your actual bday with your gf and that weekend with your family or vice-versa
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# 78 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:10
Thanks CTD, you are right

@Maddy I am going to do that, spending part of the day with her then going home but still have to tell folks that! god i'm such a whimp im just so scared of them!
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# 79 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:14
Ah hun thats understandable but you've got to live your life for you and for no1 else!! You've gotten past the hardest part- telling your family, now you've just got to take control, make decisions for yourself and stick to them. Walking on egg shells isnt gonna get you anywhere...
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# 80 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:16
I knew the folk of gaire would cheer me up !! thanks everyone!
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# 81 : Friday 21-1-2005 @ 17:17
Just remember to do what makes you happy, not what you think is going to make everyone else happy. Enjoy your bday hun. Talk to ya soon
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# 82 : Saturday 22-1-2005 @ 11:18
Awwww Sheeben, I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I agree with others, you are old enough now to choose how to celebrate your birthday If that means staying in Dublin, then that is fine and you can go to Galway for a weekend close to your birthday if that will help keep the peace. You do have a right to live your own life. Don't be afraid of it.
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# 83 : Saturday 22-1-2005 @ 11:47
Sheeben - its just worse because it my bday soon and i have to go home for it and gf wont be able to come because of family

Do you normally spend your birthday with your family? If so I would advise continuing on with that tradition for one more year. It’s only a month so they are still coming to terms with it for sure so there’s no point forcing the issue. Its one thing coming out which is a kind of abstract but it another to introduce your partner from the real world so soon. You need to prepare your mother to meet your partner in the same way as if she was of the opposite gender, except more so. That means dropping her name into everyday conversations in a casual manner, things you have done, how you are planning your holidays together etc but in a discreet way otherwise she will figure out what you are up to. Be prepared and have a nice picture on your person of the two of you as a couple to show her, perhaps one of those pictures people carry around in their wallet? Place a framed picture of the two of you in your bedroom when you are at home but make sure to take it with you when you return to Dublin because nosey mothers will always spot those sorts of things. Sooner or later her instincts will kick in and she will want to meet and give your partner the once over but the key is to wait for her to ask or at least hint because by which stage, she will be mentally prepared.

Happy Birthday Sheeben and I hope this helps?
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# 84 : Saturday 22-1-2005 @ 12:49
It takes a lot of time for parents to adjust and vice versa. I hope it went well for u over the weekend.
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# 85 : Saturday 22-1-2005 @ 13:06
and remember sheens, I'm sure it took you a while to accept your sexuality, they will get over their shock, but you do need to put a foot down..tell them that you love them but you also share that love with your girlfriend and as its your birthday(not theirs)you would like her there.
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# 86 : Saturday 22-1-2005 @ 14:36
Did your family tell you your g/f wasn't welcome or are you thinking thats how they might react? If they said it, then I wouldn't go home. You came out to them which was the hardest part. You're out now so you don't have to hide your g/f or keep her in the backround. Don't get caught in a tug of war between your partner and your family. Nip that in the bud now because otherwise it will become easier to exclude your partner in the future and why would you want to hurt her like that? If on the other hand your parents haven't told you not to bring your g/f then maybe they would in fact like to meet her. Even if it's just to see and confirm to themselves that you are in fact happy with your life
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# 87 : Sunday 23-1-2005 @ 09:31
When you come out to your family, it takes time for them to re-adjust to the news and a month is hardly long enough before introducing a partner. For a younger person it may seem like a life time in limbo but for a parent, it may feel like the son or daughter is demanding acceptance on the spot. I’m no expert on this subject but if anyone is considering coming out remember one thing, it’s not all about you. Most times, parent’s reactions or responses would be exactly the same if it was one of your brothers or sisters which means they have issues surrounding homosexuality generally and they are now forced to associate it with one of their children. That’s difficult for them and they have to question a lot of the homophobia which they have previously accepted as fact because they grew up in a different time when for the most part gay people were at best, treated as a standing joke.

All I am saying is that it is an emotionally charged situation and it helps if you stand back and try and imagine it from their perspective. You are the one who will have the time to prepare for the event and you should be armed with the knowledge that a lot of their reactions are not personal. They spent the first twenty odd years of your life providing for you so it’s not too much to ask that they be given some space to get their heads around it, now is it?

This post was not specifically directed at you Sheeben BTW.

Here is a very good link on the subject. There are plenty of articles out there and the more you read beforehand the better prepared you will be.

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# 88 : Sunday 23-1-2005 @ 15:13
I think that it's absolutely horrific that parents in Ireland in this day and age are still deeply homopphobic....it shows the rank ignorance and bigotry that's still out there.

@Shebben...well done for coming out....it will take time for your folks to adjust but the reality is that you are being honest wityh them. Far better to live your life honestly than staying in the closet, living a life of lies and being consumed by internalised homophobia.

I myself was lucky - I came out when I was 22 to my family and although there were some initial difficulties in my father's coming to terms with it, he did within a few months and my relatiohnship with him now is actually better than ever.

If anyones' parents have a massive problem with their child being gay, it's THEIR problem, not their child's!
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# 89 : Sunday 23-1-2005 @ 15:18
Just to add, it seems from previous posts on the subject of coming out to parents, that posters from the country have a much harder time than those from Dublin.

Is this just my perception or are rural areas still so much more homophobic, ignorant and bigoted than Dublin and the other major urban areas in Ireland?
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# 90 : Sunday 23-1-2005 @ 19:44
JupiterKid - Is this just my perception or are rural areas still so much more homophobic, ignorant and bigoted than Dublin and the other major urban areas in Ireland
That’s impossible to tell Jupiter. Cities tend to be more liberal by their very nature but country people are not as small minded as some would like to believe either, especially nowadays. It all comes down to your particular set of parents and while their location may have a minor bearing, there’s plenty of homophobes in the cities too.

One question I have is: would it be fair to say that mothers accept a gay child easier than fathers?

My own view is that fathers would have a harder time with sons than daughters because of the macho thing and that mothers would more likely to take the child’s side even though she may have issues with it. Am I wrong?
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