TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC
operatives in the field.
Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a
hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, â€œI really like the
skylights on the 3rd floor.ï¿½? â€œMe too,ï¿½? remarked the second student. â€œI donâ€™
t know why they didnâ€™t just put some on the 2nd floor too.ï¿½?
My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her
violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the
audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"
A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy Week
(the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the last few
days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie "Jesus of Nazareth"
to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross, a girl in my
class asked, "Is this live footage?ï¿½?
I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing customer
â€™s computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Induhvidual asks, â€œDo you
guys sell Ethernet cables?ï¿½? I said that we do, and he asks, â€œHow much is
it?ï¿½? I asked, â€œHow long do you want it?ï¿½? He responded, â€œUm, a while I
guess. I want to buy it.ï¿½? I said, â€œNo, I mean how long as in the length of
the cable.ï¿½? This elicited total silence on his end, so I informed him that
we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He asked, â€œWhen do I have to return it?ï¿½?
I told him to keep it as long as he likes.
My Kentuckian sister-in-law's young daughter recently married a Mexican
immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after the birth,
a doctor walked into the recovering mom's hospital room and mentioned that
the baby's white blood cell count was high. My sister-in-law asked, "Does
that mean she will be more white than Mexican?" This is a true story.
While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment, I
overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat assignment.
When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat the old lady
exclaimed "OH! Please don't put me by the window! I just had my hair done!"
While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much later
sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she was surprised,
since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I asked her what the
distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said it was because that's
where the sun sets.
My teacher was having a discussion with our class about what we did for
Christmas. One guy said he got himself a deer when he went hunting. My
teacher, the clever punster, said that he got a "dear" too, only this was
the kind with TWO legs. The class laughed. Then one moron in back raised her
hand and asked, "Did you shoot it anyway?"
A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a second job
in order to pay off his wife's huge cell phone bill. When asked why she went
so far over her monthly time allocation, his response was that when she
bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and evening time was
free. Since she works an odd schedule -- Sunday through Thursday -- she
assumed that Fridays counted as her â€œweekend day.ï¿½? So she used the phone the
entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas. (4 hours, each direction, at
45 cents per minute).
My husband is a police officer and was training some of his guys at the
shooting range. They were hanging the paper targets when one guy said,
"Hey, why don't we hang 3 at a time and just tear the top one off each time,
that way we don't have to keep hanging them."
Dogbert answers tough questions with tough love.
Every time I get a girlfriend she dumps me and dates one of my friends.
Should I blame her, or my friends, or myself?
I recommend getting some friends who are even bigger losers than you. In
your case, it means finding friends who routinely lose their girlfriends to
I tend to spit at random times while talking. Because of this I have very
few friends what should I do?
Try talking to people who are on fire. They probably wonâ€™t notice the
spitting so much, and if they do, they might appreciate it.
I am going to write a song about not writing a song. Can you
give me a couple of ideas on what to write?
You should write about what you know. That means your song will be an
instrumental, assuming you know someone who can do that part for you.
Do you just randomly create questions and names so you
can make jokes that you wouldn't normally have the
opportunity to use?
Do I come to your workplace and accuse you of sweeping up French fries that
arenâ€™t really there?
I think Scott Adams bares a striking resemblance to actor Ed Harris. How
would I go about either killing one of them or fusing them together so that
only one person in this world would look like that?
I wish I had a nickel for every time Iâ€™ve been asked that question.
Every year Scott Adams and Ed Harris attend a convention of People With
Skull-looking Heads. This year, Jeff Garcia will be the keynote speaker.
Maybe you could kill a few of them, just to thin the herd, but youâ€™d never
get them all. I recommend learning to love that look.
I need to find a girlfriend, but I am very ugly. How can I find a girl that
doesn't care how I look?
There are plenty of girls who value character above looks. They are called
blind girls. And as Ed Harris well knows, it also helps to be rich.