Quick Links : Classifeds | Profiles | Forum | Register
 
View Topic
  Message Boards : General Discussion : View Topic : 128 Posts, Page 1 of 9
  HomeNewNoticesHot TopicsPollsStats Login / Register
 
December Jokes
 
# 1 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 10:48
 
 
After having their 11th child, a Finglas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Finglas Man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so that he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Cabra, Ballymun, Coolock, Darndale, parts of Santry and anywhere in the Tallaght area.
Locked Topic
 
# 2 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 10:51
 
 
Locked Topic
 
# 3 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 10:52
 
 
bad but good
Locked Topic
 
# 4 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 12:01
 
 
What did the Blind, deaf and dumb girl get for X-Mas?
Cancer.
Locked Topic
 
# 5 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 12:04
 
 
That must be from the Ross O carroll Kelly book of Northside Jokes
Locked Topic
 
# 6 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 22:34
 
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
Locked Topic
 
# 7 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 22:35
 
 
man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Locked Topic
 
# 8 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 22:58
 
 
A recent survey reveals that 70% of inner city dubs have sex in the shower,the other 30% havent been to cloverhill prison yet.
Locked Topic
 
# 9 : Thursday 1-12-2005 @ 23:58
 
 
Q: What did the sadist do to the masochist?

A: Nothing.
Locked Topic
 
# 10 : Friday 2-12-2005 @ 00:15
 
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Locked TopicWebsite
 
# 11 : Friday 2-12-2005 @ 12:18
 
 
*bump*
Locked Topic
 
# 12 : Tuesday 6-12-2005 @ 17:06
 
 
Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions

Be brave -- ask US for more money.
Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratish.

Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word “Secretary� from title. “General Annan� catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB�.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
Locked Topic
 
# 13 : Tuesday 6-12-2005 @ 18:10
 
 
New sex survy shows the favoured position for sex for married couples is "doggy style"
He sits up and begs and she rolls over and sleeps.
Locked Topic
 
# 14 : Saturday 10-12-2005 @ 20:34
 
 
Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
Locked Topic
 
# 15 : Sunday 11-12-2005 @ 01:35
 
 
mick walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says"darling,this is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache",his wife,lying in bed replies,"i think youll find that is a sheep",mick replies "i think youll find i wasnt talking to you".
Locked Topic
 
Prev 123456789Next